Reaching out to God

Today I spoke out loud to God. I don't do this very often, I almost always pray silently. I live close to other people and I'm conscious of how easy it is to over hear. Luckily there is a river directly outside my home, I am usually sitting by it a couple times a week, if not every day. I began contemplating a complex aspect of my life and history. Before i knew it, I was bringing it to God. I looked up to the sky and poured out what was swirling in my cup. I suppose in simpliest terms, my question looked like "what do i do with this?" Hard times came, we made choices, now I'm left wondering things like, could I have done this better, is it my fault, did I somehow make the wrong choice that led us here. I'll remind myself that I wasn't the only one making choices but there are certain facts I don't want to fully embrace because it makes me feel too innocent. 

I've asked God to forgive me for the mistakes I made, I've turned from that and toward the Lord. Yet I feel guilt because I hadn't fully resolved it. I was tearing myself up trying to figure out if the final stamp on this memory should say I'm a bad person or not. 

I don't know how it hit me that only God could answer that kind of question. Perhaps he was letting me know. I took off my headphones and started talking, praying through tears as I tried to surrender this tender wound in my heart. 

Around the time I finished praying,  I settled down. A few moments went by and when I looked to the river again and saw a single duckling floating along. It was fluffy looking and adorable. I started crying again, immediately thanking God for it. I wondered if it was unusual for a duckling to be alone like it was, I couldn't see any other ducks on the river. After a little while I lost sight of him and left the waterside. Later I looked up what a duckling sighting may mean. The result immediately suggested that it symbolizes growth and transformation, in particular replacing the old with the new. I concluded that the Lord wanted me to resolve this issue so I can continue growing. Whether or not I could have done something different, agonizing over it will just prolong my suffering and I won't even grow at the end of it. 

The message inspires a feeling of gratitude, knowing He wants me to see that is the best thing for me. What is fascinating is that becoming a Christian, I feel like I began cycles of rebirth and over the short time I've been here, Ive gone through multiple trials that tear me down, wear me out and at the end I feel almost newer and fresh skinned because I learned, I grew. 

However, it's only been recently that I've learned that this is the intended process for every Christian, to transform in trials to become more like Christ. I understood that any kind of learning would mean a lot of time and effort, there are things I know today that confused me at the beginning of my journey. I know I have grown. But I didn't realize that my transformations were modeling an empty garden, a seed being planted. Then over the course of its life, it grows, gives seeds, dies and then the new seeds are planted in hopefully richer soil. 

My journey in Christ has been one of healing so far, I want to focus on cultivating my garden so I can be prepared for whatever purpose God has for me.